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In an era of , merely longing for civility is no longer enough. Understanding just how to debate and respectfully disagree has become truly imperative, now more than ever and for a couple good reasons.

Humans are . Our brains .

Sharing experiences with people who see the world as we do feels affirming. It makes collaboration possible. And in prehistoric times, our survival depended on it. Working together meant protection, food and belonging, while conflict risked exclusion .

But civility isn't about avoiding conflict, it's about choosing to see the other's humanity all while fully disagreeing with them.

The weaponization of civility

Avoiding conflict for the sake of civility comes at a cost.

when people are willing to engage in honest disagreement, exposing blind spots and opening paths to progress. Yet too often, calls for civility are used as tools of oppression, .

History is full of examples—from to the —where demands for "politeness" were used to quiet those pushing for change.

When , dissidence is curtailed and legitimate anger invalidated. At such moments, civility ceases to be a virtue and becomes a mechanism of control.

This helps explain why have been so strong—a response to the ways in which demands for consideration can be seen as silencing rather than inviting dialog. Recent events from to the suspension of reveal how fear of controversy increasingly constrains open expression.

Maintaining civility is a delicate balance. When disagreement turns uncivil, especially in the public sphere, people tend to withdraw altogether, .

Grounding civility in dignity

True civility begins with a —a sincere recognition of the .

From that foundation flow the actions and skills that make respectful engagement possible: , showing and extending .

Civility, however, is not simply about being polite; it is about choosing to see others as moral equals, worthy of being heard and understood. In fact, is healthy and .

In , teams that can debate ideas respectfully tend to be more innovative and make better decisions than those that avoid conflict altogether.

When grounded in dignity rather than deference, civility enables the kind of disagreement that strengthens communities rather than divides them. It reflects the diversity of our experiences, interests and values—fueling the dialog, learning and innovation that help societies grow stronger.

Some conversations feel unsafe

Certainly, some engagements feel riskier than others. Part of this comes down to our —factors largely beyond our control.

The balance of in our bodies influences whether we are more prone to react impulsively or respond calmly in moments of tension. This biological wiring is continually , including how we've learned to navigate conflict and connection in the past.

When our bodies and minds are already operating near their —for example, while caring for a sick child, navigating a divorce or managing financial strain—our capacity to engage thoughtfully shrinks. In those moments, even minor disagreements can feel overwhelming, not because of the issue itself but because our systems are already overtaxed.

These personal limits are we inhabit. , for instance, amplifies and rewards outrage, reinforcing our .

In such spaces, argument often becomes rather than truth-oriented—more about winning than understanding.

When one or both sides see their position as , any deviation from it is framed as wrong, leading to emotionally charged, difficult-to-resolve conflicts. As soon as our , compromise becomes nearly impossible.

And without shared moral ground, we begin to justify the dehumanization of the "other," treating those who disagree not as mistaken, but as immoral—and therefore .

How to have tough conversations

Productive disagreement begins with .

Start by asking why a certain conversation feels risky. What emotions or experiences might be shaping your reaction? Then pause to whether this discussion is , and .

What are your ? Are you entering a genuine exchange or simply entertaining debate for debate's sake? Does this context or person matter to your learning, your work or your advocacy? Or are you engaging in discourse that ?

because when we believe in our ability to communicate effectively and , we feel safer and more . People who see a disagreement as manageable—and themselves as capable of managing it—are more likely to engage rather than withdraw in frustration or defensiveness.

Cultivating skills in listening, reflection and , together with dispositions such as open-mindedness, tact, empathy and courage, creates the —the kind that not only builds understanding but and .

Ultimately, civility is about engaging in debates with , and .

It asks us to create space for honest conversations—where discomfort signals growth, not danger, and where disagreement strengthens rather than fractures our society.

This article is republished from under a Creative Commons license. Read the .